I Failed

Looking back, my last entry was published on February. Three months ago. When I started this blog, I promised that I would write as much as I could. Unfortunately, my job got in the way. If I wasn’t tired, if I I had enough time in my hands, I would have written a lot of things during those wasted three months.

I miss writing. However, even though I have a lot of things that I want to write about, it seems that I don’t know what words I should use. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I feel so lost. It’s depressing.

Nevertheless, I shall find a way to catch up. My current routine is getting tiring – I really think that writing should always part of my day every day. Hopefully, I won’t waver this time.

What’s Been Inside My Head Recently

I know that there are people who do not agree with me. People may ask me, “How can you say you support the five of them if you hate them?” Valid question but they would never understand unless they really love someone/something. If you know how it is to love someone/something, you would know that it is still possible to feel angry toward them. That’s how love is – despite feeling all the negative emotions toward that person or those people, you can never bring the courage to yourself to not care about them.

I grew up believing the saying “Hate is not the opposite of love. It’s apathy. You cannot hate someone or something if you don’t love them/it.” I believe this is true. If you use so much time on hating someone or something, it still means that you still care for that person or thing. I also heard people saying, “I don’t care if you hate me but just don’t ignore me.” Being ignored or being the receiving end of apathy is definitely worse than being hated.

Thus, people saying that they hate HoMin or JYJ should better reflect on themselves now. I really find it funny when they say they hate one or the other. Hate is such a strong word, people should know how to use it properly…

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There some KPOP groups that I’m not fond of. Some of them are Super Junior, SNSD, Rain, MBLAQ and Boyfriend. However, I realized that I can tolerate fans from these fandoms compare to JYJ stans and HoMin stans.

I support both groups. Though, I admit that I am more of a JYJ-biased but that’s not because their song are better than Homin’s. The reason of my favoritism toward JYJ is because of Jaejoong. Jaejoong has been my bias ever since DBSK debuted back in 2003. He’s not only my ideal man but my inspiration. I love him that much. That means, if he chose to stay with Homin, I would also favor their group more than the duo that Yoochun and Junsu would have formed if ever.

But putting my bias toward Jaejoong aside, I have a mixture of emotions toward them. I feel sorry for them. I’m disappointed at them. I worry about them. I’m angry at them. I’m proud of them. I hate them. I love them. I’m not siding anyone because I love and hate them equally. I’m angry at Homin for staying and I’m angry at JYJ for leaving. I hate them for hurting me with their decisiosn and yet I love them so much that I can’t just turn my back on them. It’s complicated but that’s how I feel about them.

However, there’s a person that I am angry at the most and there’s also a person that I pity the most. I’m angry and disappointed at Yunho the most. Angry because he let this happened. Disappointed that he doesn’t consider what JYJ’s feeling. If he does, he won’t ask them to come back as if things are just easy as that. He may have proven to be the best leader in the industry but the leader in him is not needed at this time, because I think he needs to be their friend at this point. Something is telling me that he doesn’t understand what JYJ has been feeling all this time. I’m also disappointed that he’s putting more importance to their DBSK name than the members that comprise it. What’s the point of keeping the group name alive if people won’t know what the group really is? New KPOP fans get surprise when they learn that JYJ used be in DBSK. Is that how Yunho wants new people to know DBSK?

On the other hand, I feel sorry for Changmin the most. Yes, he’s really mature for his age. He has a ver strong character and everything, but still, he’s still the youngest of them all. There’s no way that he wasn’t hurt by what happened and I believe that he was the one who was hurt the most. I can’t blame him if he feels so much hate at his JYJ-hyungs because I also hate the three of them for putting him through so much pain. He grew up under their wings – Jaejoong was like his mother who looked after him, Yoochun was the older brother he never had and Junsu was like his best friend who always brighten up his day. Waking up one day without them suddenly was probably the most difficult part of his life.

Yes, I don’t have any right to feel all these things toward them. However, how can I not? I’ve stayed loyal with them ever since Day 1. They promised “together forevers” each and every time they have a chance too. I believed them; I believed each and every single word. I expected them to hold on to their words. It was stupid but I don’t expect them to perform as 5 forever but I didn’t expect that they will end up this way.

Still, despite the pain, hurt and anger, I still love them and I’m ready to rage war against anyone who say things against JYJ, against Homin and against DB5K. New fans who are hating on JYJ or Homin are the people who sets me off recently. Especially those who don’t understand the tie that binds the five of them. They may have different principles in life but that doesn’t mean that the friendship that they shared was weak and fake. They may have different wants and needs but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t love and care for each other. The five of them won’t last this long in a very competitive industry if they didn’t learn how to drew strength from one another. They would’ve sunk a long time ago if they didn’t learn how to lift each other up.

Though I believe that they’re at their greatest and at their happiest when they stand on stage as 5, I’m not wishing for them to get back together anymore. If it happens, I would celebrate with the rest of Cassiopeia. If it won’t, I would accept the harsh reality wholeheartedly. Besides, for the first 6 years, they worked hard as 5 to give us what we wanted. From “Hug” to “Toki Wo Tomete,” I believe that it has been worth it and enough. However, what I wish now is for them to save the friendship that they have…

I got the job!

Last week, my supervisor told me that I passed my apprenticeship. I was really happy but since I have no contract yet, I can’t really celebrate totally. However, last night, I already signed my contract so I could already really say that I have a job. It made me feel so secure because I know that I would already have a source of income for this year (yes, I’m not going to take another job seeking adventure this time). I hope I’ll be able to stay for long with the company as it seems to really suit me.

It’s a job that I can do even if I’m feeling lazy. The schedule fits me sleep-wake cycle perfectly. Though the issues of the old employees are starting to bother me, I try to block them out so that I won’t get discouraged – it seems that there’s no workplace without such things anyway. I’m also ignoring my co-workers dissatisfaction with the company. After what happened to me last year, I couldn’t really ask more.

Thus, this concludes my job hunting adventure.

Water Dragon

In less than 30 minutes, it’ll be officially the Year of the Water Dragon. I’m excited. Though I’m not Chinese, I still take note of these stuff. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Their Feng Sui provide advice that can be really useful so I don’t see why not apply it to my life. The only problem when a person is into these stuff too much is when they totally rely on it. Just like what people say, everything is still up to us people on how we can make our lives progress.

I was born on 1988. So, yeah, I’m a Dragon. I want to believe that things will be awesome for this year. Thus, I’m really trying my best to be positive even though it is hard.

The second week of my training went smoothly. I was able to finish my essays swiftly that I even had enough time to browse and read a manga. If my supervisor is telling me the truth, then I can say that I’m doing fine. I just hope I can continue to do things right. Focus is such a hard thing to maintain especially when there are a lot of things that can distract you.

[ONESHOT] Jealous Thoughts

Fandom: Dae Guk Nam Ah/Daikoku Danji/The BOSS
Characters: Mika (Lee Suhoon), Karam (Park Hyunchul), Woo Hyunmin, Lee Injoon, Jay (Jeon Jihwan)
Pairing: Mikaram
Genre: Romance, Drama
Rating: NC 17
Finished: January 21, 2012

Author’s Note: Here’s another Mikaram fanfic for everyone! ^^ I’ve started this last Wednesday when I was so pissed at someone (Mikaram comforts me LOL). It’s a canon fic – I can accurately set the setting of this fic on Tuesday (the day when DGNA went to Nico Nico Live and the day when Karam posted his recent selca) so, yeah, the Karam’s “Ai Ore” movie announcement hasn’t made yet during this fic LOL but I’m also going to write something related to that ;p Anyway, this fic has implied!Minjun (Hyunmin/Injoon) – who’s becoming my second OTP (2Hyun~ stay with me!!!! T_T) and…this fic has smut and it’s my first time so have mercy on me! OTL I am totally blaming the Ai Ore manga for corrupting my mind (I read the whole 29 chapters of the manga in less than 24 hours, thank you very much LOL XD). So, anyway, I hope you’ll like it! ;p

Warning: Mikaram smut (I’m an amateur when it comes to smut – this is my first time so I hope you can forgive me if it sucks T_T)! Also, I HAVE A CRAZY MIKARAM MIND, SO IF YOU THINK THAT THE THOUGHTS THAT I PUT INTO THIS STORY ARE WAY OVERBOARD, I’M SORRY.

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Rating: NC-17
Summary: He just couldn’t understand why he’s the only one with restrictions when the other has none.

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[Chapter Three] Father & Son

Fandom: Dae Guk Nam Ah/Daikoku Danji/The BOSS
Characters: Mika (Lee Suhoon), Karam (Park Hyunchul), Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho
Pairing: Mikaram
Genre: Romance, Drama
Rating: PG 13
Started: July 28, 2010

Chapters: Prologue | Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three

Surprise!

Today, I got my first huge surprise. A fangirl friend from Australia sent me SHINee’s The First album.

I’ve been really wanting to buy that album since last December but I put it aside to buy Daikoku Danji’s Love Days singles. I have to admit that even though Daikoku Danji is more special to me, I sort of regretted of buying their singles because I felt that SHINee’s album was more worth it at that time. However, since Love Days arrived at my doorstep already, there’s nothing I can do anymore. I just decided to wait for Polyeast Records to release SHINee’s album here. Fortunately, the announcement came quickly and they said that they’ll launch SHINee’s album on February 4th. I was actually really excited for it already.

From the time that SHINee’s album was released, I’ve been whining to people about how much I wanted that album. One of my friend whom I whined to was my fangirl friend from Australia. I met her online at the AstroMAFIA forums (formerly known as enchanteDNA). It was really amazing because it wasn’t that awkward to talk to her. We talked a lot of stuff – DGNA, fanfics, DBSK and KPOP in general. It’s amazing, we just talked and talked and talked. It’s as if we never run out of things to talk about. She became like my best friend who I never met personally yet. I would sometimes imagine her going here and I would show her around and have fun like normal friends would.

Anyway, a couple of days ago, she told me that I would be receiving a mail from her. I thought that the mail just have a letter or some poster (she already sent me a poster of f(x)’s Krystal) or maybe stickers that she printed. However, when the package arrived this afternoon, I was so shocked to see SHINee’s album wrapped around in a bunch of bubble wrap. I was so surprised that I sort of screamed. I felt as if I was going to pass out or something. I really couldn’t believe that she bought me SHINee’s album. It was too good to be true. I also felt reluctant about accepting it because I know how much that album costs but since she lives in Australia, there’s no way I could give it to her.

I really felt so happy and thankful. I’ve been thinking of how I’m going to buy SHINee’s album without sacrificing Daikoku Danji’s Love Letters. Fortunately, it seems that I don’t have to worry about SHINee anymore. However, I feel bad in buying the Love Letters album because she won’t be buying her copy until next month. If she didn’t bought me the SHINee album, she would be able to buy at least one Love Letters album this January 18th. Now, I’m thinking of a way to repay her not in money though because I know she won’t accept it.

Seriously, I hate my life sometimes. I’m really a terrible person and yet life has been nothing but nice to me. It never gave me any problems that would drive me to the edge and it always provide me with friends that I don’t think I deserve. What did I do to deserve all these?

So Far, So Good

First week on the job as an apprentice went smoothly. There were some confusing things that I still have to learn but I’m getting by. We were told to edit 88 essays for the first week and we should at least finish 17 or 18 essays per day. I only managed 12 essays on the first day but I picked up my pace the next day and then the next and even went over the assigned quota. I feel good when I did it. I just told myself that once we are already absolutely hired, I have to do 35 essays per day. I only managed to hit 24 essays last Thursday so it’s still not really close to the real deal.

I find the job to be really fun. You get to read essays written by Korean kids and you just have to point out some of their errors. The hard part is finding the errors that are correctable because we have our limitations. When I read essays that are very well-written, I really feel amused. I don’t know, maybe because you can see the effort that the student is giving in writing their essays. It’s making me pay more attention to their essays because I want that student to improve more. I have to admit though that I laugh at some of the things I read. I can’t help it. I just treat is as my way of avoiding stress because I really find it stressful when I can’t understand what the student has written.

My schedule is perfect. It suits my body clock. I don’t have to wake up very early in the morning. I don’t have to deal with the morning and evening rush hour. I don’t have to worry about not getting enough sleep. I can get out of my bed at 10AM and still have time to go over the Internet. My shift starts at 2:30PM and ends at 11PM. It’s not that different because I would always sleep at 2:00AM anyway even when I’m unemployed.

For this whole week, I feel that everything is just perfect. I feel that everything is just meant-to-be. I wish it will stay this way. I still have three weeks to go under training. I hope I won’t falter. I want to make things right again for my life. I’ve always thought that I’m an optimistic person. However, this is the first time I realized how hard it is to stay optimistic.

Fanfic Writing Woes

As I mentioned on my past post, I’ve began writing fanfictions back in college. I know my writing skills are not really the best but I know that I’m better than most writers out there. I’m confident with my plots, story lines, grammar and writing style. However, there are still times that I feel insecure about my fanfic writing and that is when I read amazing fanfics. I would feel sorry for myself for not being to come up with such a plot. I would curse myself for not being able to be so dedicated to write. I would hate myself for being too lazy at times. Sometimes, I blame my inability to write on some stupid reasons, one of them is not having my own decent laptop – my laptop is so slow that opening MS Word is such a pain. However, I know that if I really want to write, I would endure all the setbacks that I encounter.

One of the things that I have no confident in writing are Yunjae fanfics. I don’t know but writing a Yunjae fanfic is really hard for me. For one, there are a lot of Yunjae fanfics scattered around the Internet – I know because I’ve read a lot of them already. I’ve been a fan of Yunjae for eight years now, I think I’ve read enough to feed my obsession. I really admire Yunjae writers – they are so good in coming up with extraordinary plots and they can dedicate so much to finish everything. Most them reach 60 chapters or even more, I can’t imagine being able to write something as long as that. It’s amazing. I felt like I won’t be able to do Yunjae any justice when I write fanfiction. I really pity myself for that.

Then there’s also the bitter reality that Yunjae is in now. With the lawsuit and separation, I can’t help but feel really emotional at times. I read canon fics here and there and the well-written ones, which are most of them, never fail to break my heart. I’ve avoided reading Yunjae fanfics for like a year because I feel worse when I read them. Reading should be like an escape of the unfortunate reality that everybody is in now but you’ll read plots that are worse than the reality, so what’s the use? Though I admit I love reading them because they are still well-written and interesting, I can’t avoid feeling angry and these writers for writing those fics, I feel like telling them “Why are you even making the real situation more complicated by writing this?” I know readers shouldn’t attack writers on what they write, readers can just ignore it and move on – I know because I’m also a writer who’s been trying to control myself so that I won’t lash out on some of my readers. I can’t just help but feel affected because I love Yunjae so much that, sometimes, reading fics about them – especially those that are based on the reality – is really hard. I feel like I’m torturing myself and I hate that. I’m done inflicting myself with so much pain.

Nonetheless, I’ll still try to write fics of my OTP. It’s the only way I have to show people that I support them. My writing skills may not be at par to others but I can’t expect my photoshop skills either because that skill is just totally non-existent.

[ONESHOT] Beautiful

Fandom: Dong Bang Shin Ki/DBSK/TVXQ
Characters: Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG 13
Finished: January 7, 2012

Summary: Almost everyone told him he’s is beautiful, but he never believes it.
A/N: Hello, guys! I present you my very first Yunjae fanfic! ^^ I’ve been a fan of DBSK from Day 1 and I have shipped Yunjae ever since – I don’t know anything about shipping and OTPs back in 2003-2004 back whenever I see pictures of Jaejoong and Yunho together, I can’t really stop myself from giggling because they look so adorable together and they totally look perfect in a meant-for-each-other kind of way. However, I failed to write any Yunjae fanfics until now – I didn’t really try to write one anyway back then because I’m really scared that I won’t do any justice about my OTP. However, when I began writing fics for my No.2 OTP – Mikaram (Mika and Karam from Dae Guk Nam Ah/DGNA/The Boss) – I realized that I should work up the courage to write a Yunjae fic since they’re my ultimate OTP after all, so one of my New Year’s resolution is to write a Yunjae fic! ;p Anyway, enough of this nonsense babbling, here’s the oneshot and I hope you guys can tell me what you think of it (I’m honestly not really that satisfied with this T_T). This fic is based on a song entitled “What Makes You Different (Makes You Beautiful)” by Backstreet Boys and was inspired by this confession ;p Thank you!